BEECH WEAK!!!!!!!

Hi bloggers! ☺ This is Deb reporting from BEACH WEEK at LAUREN’S LOOKOUT, the cutest beach shack you’ve ever seen. I rented this place with some of the bowling peeps… but there is DRAMA! And after so long… it’s not between me and Miche, WHO IT JUST SO HAPPENS IS SITTING BESIDE ME. We are locked upstairs in the attic of Lauren’s Lookout. Don’t worry… although it’s hot… there are two beds, lots of dressers, a ghost we think is the “Lauren” from the name, and a bathroom. AND Dave has been sneaking us food (bologna, pickles, pink lemonade, frozen pizza). And even when he wasn’t around earlier today, we were able to make food. We used some tin foil to make a pot, and then just let the pasta soak in the water while heating it with lighters. Once the pasta was soggy enough to get down, we put on the room-temperature cheese sauce. And I think we might be getting sort of high off the air conditioner fumes… ANYWAY, I know you all are dying to find out what brought me and Miche back together as BEST FRIENDS WITH A BLOG. So without further a doo, I’ll let Miche explain…

MICHE HERE!!!! After I found out that Deb was going to be at beach week, I decided that I wanted to be there too.  One sorority girl came down the a bad case of Chlamydia so there was an opening in the Eta Iota Pi house, and one of the girls I became sort of close with in rush asked if I wanted the space so DUHHHHHH I took it!  I was soo excited to just get to go and hang out in a sorority house all week and make Deb totally jealous about how cool I was.  Unfortunately my roommate in the house has been a huge cuntbagslutfacewhore, and I totally think that she’s a sex addict so my time with the Eta Pies was awful! We all went to the Swedish Stallion together and I was getting pretty drunk and no one was dancing except for this cougar.  No, not the animal, that’d be dangerous.  It was this like 50-something year old woman dressed like a 20-something year old with terrible hair and a leopard sash.  Well, I really wanted the girls to like me so I started impersonating the woman’s dance moves.  The Eta Pies thought it was sooooo funny so I was hoping that maybe if I kept it up they’d offer me a bid.  Well, the woman saw, and started to yell at me so I just sort of ran away, then a little bit later I danced like her some more and that’s WHEN SHE ATTACKED ME!  She started pushing me choking me and the bouncers couldn’t pull her off me because she just kept clawing all around.  And that’s when something beautiful happened.  I saw this blur of magenta flying towards me.  IT WAS DEB!  She’d jumped out of the cage where she was grinding on some innocent drunk dude and JUMPED ONTO THE COUGAR!  She landed right on top of her and the woman was so terrified that she sprinted right out of the club.  DEB IS A SAVIOR!  We got talking about it and laughing about that terrible cougar, and kept getting cute locals to buy us drinks, and we ended up spending the whole night together!   I told her about how exhausted I’ve been because I can’t sleep so she invited me to spend the night with her in Lauren’s Lookout!

Stumbling back to Lauren’s with Miche just reminded me of the good ol’ days when I’d have to go pick her ass up at a party when she got too drunk and carry her back on my shoulders. ☺ I remembered why we were always best friends and suddenly, with the ocean breeze blowing up our skirts and Sex on the Beach spilt all over my tube top, I just forgave her for stealing the one true love of my life… second to bacon… Jim. THEN…just as everything seemed peaceful in the world again, we opened up the front door of Lauren’s Lookout and the smell of cooking bacon…MY bacon… drifted to my nose. And I saw about five cans of MY coke, half-drank, scattered around the living room. I was LIVID. I had EXPLICITLY labeled all of my food, using this adorable pad of pink paper with my initials on it. I explained the situation to Miche and she came up with the hilarious idea to start labeling EVERYTHING in the house. We made signs for “Deb’s stove,” “Deb’s TV,” “Deb’s blow-up bowling lane,” “Deb’s couch,” “Deb’s giant Blue Marlin statue that is said to be worth $1,200,” etc. I even labeled Dave as “Deb’s Dave.” Now…before I go into the drama that ensued… I need to give a little background on the sitch of Lauren’s Lookout. At the lanes, I mostly chill with the peeps from my year, such as Christopher Vodka, but I have also become pretty good friends with Dave Ruln, who is a year older. Christopher couldn’t come to beach week because he was arrested a few months ago and he forgot to tell his probation officer enough in advance that he was the leaving the state. Sooo I decided to stay with Dave and a bunch of seniors who I barely knew. Things went pretty well in the beginning because I’d just keep to myself… I started a great little rotation of eating, sleeping, and going to the beach alone. At night I’d take a cab to Main St. and hover outside the sorority houses until they came out. Then I’d follow them to the clubs and slurp up their drinks when the looked away. Then I’d go stand in the cages or on the balcony and watch everyone dance. Well, it was from my perch in one of the cages that I saw Miche be attacked and swooped in to rescue her. We bonded and I decided to bring her back to the house since she felt uncomfortable sleeping in the room with her sex-addicted sorority roommate. So we stumble in… discover my eaten food… and everything got awkward. After we labeled most of the house, we put little notes in the tabs of the open cokes that said “FUCK YOU.” We were standing in the kitchen, giggling about our signs, when one of the house members came over to us from the living room and began screaming. He told me I could move out whenever I wanted, that everyone else there was friends, and I clearly didn’t fit in so I could leave. I began crying and Miche and I ran upstairs to my bedroom in the attic. (Although there were 10 bedrooms, and 8 of us, two of the guys had girlfriends who weren’t paying for the house but would obviously be spending every night there… and they didn’t want to keep their stuff in the boy’s nasty rooms… so they needed their own rooms. So I ended up in the attic… but like I said, it’s not so bad.) We went to bed and slept until around 11, and here we’ve been ever since… too scared to leave…

We haven’t even left the room today.  We’ve just been watching episodes of Sister Sister and Smart Guy all day.  Luckily Dave has been hanging around here with us and he even went downstairs to make us some sloppy joes.  They’re pretty terrible, but Deb likes them, she likes everything.  We’ll probably just start drinking soon because there really isn’t much to do in this room.  I can’t exactly abandon Deb in this awful situation, I think that tonight will not be one to remember because we’ll just drink away our sorrows and probably get in another fight.  We don’t even have internet here…We’re typing this post in Word and then we’ll post it later.  OH WELL!  Good to know that you bloggers will always be here for us!  Thanks guys!

FUCK YOU DEB

FUCCCCCCKKKKKK YOUUUUUUU!!!!! Umm, did you forget that we get email notifications when one of us posts?  You dirty fucking whore.  YOU’RE WORSE THAN JESSICA AND ABOUT 15 TIMES FATTER AND UGLIER!  Well you know what Deb?  Want to know who my special valentime’s day date was?  The guy I’d had a thing with, the guy you WANTED it to work out for me with?  JIM! THAT’S RIGHT IT WAS JIM!  And he didn’t even want to take you to the Olive Garden THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME!  He was only being nice and you scared him away with your stupid saran wrap, just like you scare everyone away.

Alright Bloggers, I’m done freaking out at that fat wad of Bacon…Here’s the truth about EVERYTHING!

I never even thought I liked Jim, he was just some poor guy who Deb practically suffocated while he was too drunk last night.  I’m surprised they didn’t put him on suicide watch after his little ‘encounter’ with her in her bed that ONE time.  That’s right, ONCE! And she thinks they’re in love.  Well, it’s not like I was actually trying to ’steal’ him from her, if you can even call it that, because she never actually had him.  One night I was out with Tiffanie…and we ran into Jessica and usually she’s a big whore slutbag, but I was pretty drunk and wanted to have fun, and she’s usually willing to text guys and find out where the parties are.  Soooo we went to this one party and kept taking shots with these cute-ish guys.  Then we got really drunk and silly and started holding ‘auditions’ for a foursome.  It was fun to be girly and fun for one night!  One guy even told us the size of his penis lol!  Anyways, we walked into the hallway and there was Jim and his roommate.  Since Jessica’s the biggest slut and she wanted to make out with his roommate she suggest we four-way kiss.  So we did lol!  Then…Jim wanted to too…so we did…but I GUESS (because I’ve only heard this in stories since i was blackout by this point) that before Tiffanie and Jessica could move in, me and Jim just started going at it lol!  I wish I remembered our first kiss, but I guess it’s ok since I remember every single sloppy tongue infested one since then

I didn’t want to hurt Deb…since she WAS my friend, so I tried to not love Jim…But I couldn’t help it, he’s just too amazing…So then I tried to keep our relationship a secret, even letting Deb go on a date with him while I sat in the room and cried all night watching the Notebook just wanted Jim to come running in and tell me that he’d written me everyday for a year. …

Well, Deb just HAD TO GLOAT AND GLOAT AND GLOAT about how Jim was her BF, so I couldn’t upset her more so it had to be a secret…then she was a nosy little (NAHT SO LITTLE) fatass and had to come barging in the room during a little *me* time.  I bet she knew what was going on and wanted to come in just so she could visualize Jim pleasing her…sick wench.

Well, the claws are coming out…want to play like that Deb?  FINE WITH ME!  Here’s a little info I bet all of you didn’t know about our not-so-darling bacon lover:

1. Deb accidentally leaves her tampon in alll the time because she can’t see there

2. Deb threw up on her shirt and then turned it inside out while at a party

3. Deb once tole me about how giraffes have sex.  the male nudges the female’s butt until she pees.  When she pees, they drink it to see if they are compatible.  Female giraffes release larger amounts of urine for males they particularly like.  The male then follows the female around until she gives in and allows him to mount her.  Deb then told me that, if she was a giraffe, she would release A LOT of urine for Jim.

4. Deb asked me how to give a blow job …as if she’d ever need to know!!

5. Deb ATE my sugar wax AND one of the bananas I practiced on!

6. When we went to the beach last summer, Deb was flirting with a bunch of gross guys that clearly weren’t even interested.  I whispered in her ear that she had a bathing suit wedgie, and when she pulled it out SHE ACCIDENTALLY PULLED OUT HER TAMPON!  The guys RAN AWAY SCREAMING!

7. Deb also had a pregnancy scare…she’s never been laid AND it was just a food baby

8. While I was making out with the cute Pizza Delivery Guy, Deb cried in the hallway while munching on her pizza because she was hoping to get with him because they “had a lot in common”

TAKE THAT FATASS

DEB IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE

Where to begin?? Well, I would say sorry to allllll of our friends who follow the blog, but I think most of you know what’s been going on. But, I will apologize to the random readers (how many? I am not sure? could be thousands). There has been D-R-A-M-A. I will try to pick up where we left off…

Around Valentime’s day, Miche started acting really strange and distant because the guy she had been seeing had made other Valentime’s day plans (to this day, I am still not sure who that guy was, and believe me, we are in NO state of friendship for me to ask her now). To be fair, I was pretty unsympathetic, because I was just so delighted about my amazing date with Jim. But then Jim got mad at me when his friends found the blog, and I was heartbroken. He pretty much cut off all contact. THEN… Please sit down if you are not already doing so…because what I am about to say is SHOCKING…

It was a Monday night about two weeks after Valentime’s day and other than crying myself to sleep every night and missing Jim like crazy, all was well in Debland. I went to the lanes that afternoon and then out to dinner with some of my bowling friends. I got back to the dorm around 10pm and as I got closer to our door, I heard Miche moaning inside. Afraid that there had been an accident with the George Forman grill, I frantically tried to get in the room. The door was locked, but I was afriad Miche was in trouble, so rather than find my key, I just took a few steps back and rammed into it. The door collapsed to the ground and there, before my own eyes, was Miche on her bed wearing my “All This and Brains Too” shirt… and ONLY my shirt… with Jim’s head between her legs. And let’s just say he wasn’t dressed for church either. I can’t even describe my emotions at that moment. It was some mixture of the way you’d feel if you saw a puppy get run over, the way you are depressed after visiting a Holocaust museum, and the feeling you get when you realize your out of bacon.

I ran screaming and crying out of the room. I called two of my bowling friends, Christopher Vodka and Dave Ruln, and asked if I could sleep in their dorm, and Dave let me come cuddle with him in his bed.

After that night, the past two months have been a blur… I’ve been spending most of my time at the lanes or with Christopher and Dave. Miche and I don’t speak, and I put up a saran wrap wall to divide the room in half. I chose saran wrap so that she wouldn’t have any privacy with Jim. Although, that didn’t stop her. She just spent the night in his room for a few weeks. I lost several pounds from crying so much those nights.

The whole Jim and Miche thing fizzled out after a few weeks, and he was spotted making out with some whore last weekend. No one who was there remembered her name, but from the description it sounded like Jessica.

I know Jim was in a terrible state. He was missing me and his friends were being mean. He really can’t be blamed. But I will NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. forgive that lying bitch Miche.

Needless to say, we abanonded the blog. It just hurt too much for me to even look at this page. And Miche was too busy stealing her best friend’s boyfriends to care about writing it all down. I would have just let this blog fade into cyber space into a galaxy far far away…until I had a genius thought. I can use this to TRASH Miche! It’s the perfect public place where all her friends and other assorted people can learn what I like to call…
SOME FUN AND LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT MICHE

1. SHE IS A BACKSTABBING LIAR.

2. SHE STUFFS HER BRA WITH COTTON BALLS.

3. ONE TIME AFTER HOOKING UP WITH A GUY, SHE PEED IN HIS BED. HE NOTICED AND SAID SOMETHING, BUT SHE REFUSED TO ADMIT IT AND CONTINUED TO TRY TO CUDDLE WITH HIM.

4. SHE HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE WITH SAM…AND BY “SCARE” I MEAN THAT SHE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT BABY CLOTHES BECAUSE HER PERIOD WAS A DAY LATE.

5. MICHE SUGAR WAXES HER VAGINA.

6. MICHE WAS GIVING A GUY AN H.J. WHEN I WALKED IN. HE SUDDENLY CAME ALLLLLLLLL OVER HER SHEETS AND SHE WAS TOO TIRED TO CHANGE THEM, SO SHE JUST BORROWED ONE OF MY TOWELS TO COVER IT UP AND SLEPT ON TOP.

7. MICHE PRACTICIES GIVING BLOW JOBS ON BANANAS. SHE ALWAYS MAKES ME GRAB AN EXTRA ONE FOR HER FROM THE DINING HALL BECAUSE SHE FEELS WEIRD CARRYING OUT MORE THAN TWO BANANAS.

8. ONE TIME I ORDERED PIZZA ON A FRIDAY NIGHT AND IT WAS DELIVERED JUST AS MICHE RETURNED, AT ABOUT 2 AM. SHE WAS REALLY DRUNK AND HAD FAILED WITH A BUNCH OF GUYS. I ASKED IF SHE’D GO GET MY PIZZA OUT FRONT. SHE AGREED… AND NOT ONLY DID SHE BRING BACK THE PIZZA, BUT ALSO THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY. SEE PHOTO BELOW. I HAD TO EAT MY PIZZA IN THE HALLWAY WHILE MICHE MADE OUT WITH HIM.

Love, Deb